the secret life of barbara
yes, it was 3 months ago that i had my last entry. that's when it all started.
life happened. love happened.
people around me fell inlove, got married, fall out of love, moved interstate and some stayed behind.
i was in the background head strong with my own feelings.
i felt alone, left behind. lost friends in different ways. sad departures, new beginnings.
things that i didn't expect.
i met a sensuous, passionate, ambitious man early this year. a man who mentally and sexually stimulates me. perfect just perfect. but with that comes the consequence of being emotionally cold and barely have time to think anything else but his priorities in life.
that's fair enough,and that was the very point of my attraction to him, his ambitious streak, his maturity, his need to strive to suceed, just like myself. he turned my world upside down.
i must admit the circumstances was a salvation to my struggle getting over someone else.
he made me so happy at the times he can give me. i am a happy chick always but he brought some excitemet in my life when i needed it most.
but somehow i knew deep down inside this was never going to work. the distance apart, the uncertainty of how he feels, if he ever will feel anything, but i persisted on the thought of "maybe if... " and i hoped.
but i fell in love. unrequitted love once again, he asked was i sure about that.. wasn't it just like a challenge for me feeling that... i felt disrespected a bit. why quesition my honest feelings?..but i grew up. instead of being totally devastated i bounced back right off.
it wasn't the right time, and perhaps he wasnt the right man.
but never the less i love him. he knows it. he's still around. but im not keeping my whole self to him. when he's meant to be then things will work out.
yes, ladies and gentlemen... barbara has matured.
they come in and out of my life for a reason, i think the best way to sum it up is this...
im finding qualities in each man, that i need to fill the gap in my life.
i've made a clear definition of what i NEED and what i WANT.
no more EMOTIONAL FUCKWITS...DRUG AND DRUNK FUCKED YUPPIES.. OR SEXUALLY PERVERTED MANIACS...
i foud out that i need to be respected, i need to be loved, i need to laugh at their jokes, i need to smile just staring at him, for no reason at all, i need for him to sit down with me and talk, and tell me what he can see in his future. i need for him to not fear opening up to me, be a friend, be a great lover, be a stable hand when i need help, and be someone i can respect for all that they are.
i need someone who has a good solid grasp of who they are and what they want. i don't want to be around someone who is still finding theirselves, i no longer am in that stage of life now. i know who i am and i know what i want, i want to share that with someone who is ready to share their life and experiences and perhaps create our own experience together.
im not talking about marriage here, im talking about for once i want to be like everyone else.. i want to be in a normal relationship that everyone seems to be happy with ..., a stable relationship i can call mine. it's not about ownership, it's about exploring each other, intertwining our lives, growing together, instead of a one sided affair, of what ever is convenient.
love is not about convenience. lust is convenience.
do i sound someone who likes to settle and be a normal person? or is that not possible, cos that's just not extraordinary for barbara?
i used to be an idealist, i am slowly loosing faith in men, maybe im too picky, maybe im just choosing the wrong ones. but then i thought no..i just didnt want to settle for anything less...
This conversation just sums me all up:
"did anyone say settle? settle for anything and you're doomed... my biggest fear in life is being mediocre... you can't be willing to settle for anything, specially for less than we deserve..."
"we watch other people live out their dreams instead of investing on dreams of our own... we should strive for greatness
life is too short. we must make it extraordinary.. never settle for anything less than extraordinary or else life will suck.
life sucks anyway, but it's better to suck with integrity right?"
"there are so many mediocre things in life to deal with... and love shouldn't be one of them.. anything that is less than mad passionate extraordinary love is a waste of your time" -- dream for an insomniac