YOUR THOUGHTS
06 February 2012: the secret life of barbara
observations for today
yes, it was 3 months ago that i had my last entry. that's when it all started.
life happened. love happened.
people around me fell inlove, got married, fall out of love, moved interstate and some stayed behind.
i was in the background head strong with my own feelings.
i felt alone, left behind. lost friends in different ways. sad departures, new beginnings.
things that i didn't expect.
i met a sensuous, passionate, ambitious man early this year. a man who mentally and sexually stimulates me. perfect just perfect. but with that comes the consequence of being emotionally cold and barely have time to think anything else but his priorities in life.
that's fair enough,and that was the very point of my attraction to him, his ambitious streak, his maturity, his need to strive to suceed, just like myself. he turned my world upside down.
i must admit the circumstances was a salvation to my struggle getting over someone else.
he made me so happy at the times he can give me. i am a happy chick always but he brought some excitemet in my life when i needed it most.
but somehow i knew deep down inside this was never going to work. the distance apart, the uncertainty of how he feels, if he ever will feel anything, but i persisted on the thought of "maybe if... " and i hoped.
but i fell in love. unrequitted love once again, he asked was i sure about that.. wasn't it just like a challenge for me feeling that... i felt disrespected a bit. why quesition my honest feelings?..but i grew up. instead of being totally devastated i bounced back right off.
it wasn't the right time, and perhaps he wasnt the right man.
but never the less i love him. he knows it. he's still around. but im not keeping my whole self to him. when he's meant to be then things will work out.
yes, ladies and gentlemen... barbara has matured.
they come in and out of my life for a reason, i think the best way to sum it up is this...
im finding qualities in each man, that i need to fill the gap in my life.
i've made a clear definition of what i NEED and what i WANT.
no more EMOTIONAL FUCKWITS...DRUG AND DRUNK FUCKED YUPPIES.. OR SEXUALLY PERVERTED MANIACS...
i foud out that i need to be respected, i need to be loved, i need to laugh at their jokes, i need to smile just staring at him, for no reason at all, i need for him to sit down with me and talk, and tell me what he can see in his future. i need for him to not fear opening up to me, be a friend, be a great lover, be a stable hand when i need help, and be someone i can respect for all that they are.
i need someone who has a good solid grasp of who they are and what they want. i don't want to be around someone who is still finding theirselves, i no longer am in that stage of life now. i know who i am and i know what i want, i want to share that with someone who is ready to share their life and experiences and perhaps create our own experience together.
im not talking about marriage here, im talking about for once i want to be like everyone else.. i want to be in a normal relationship that everyone seems to be happy with ..., a stable relationship i can call mine. it's not about ownership, it's about exploring each other, intertwining our lives, growing together, instead of a one sided affair, of what ever is convenient.
love is not about convenience. lust is convenience.
do i sound someone who likes to settle and be a normal person? or is that not possible, cos that's just not extraordinary for barbara?
to ponder oni used to be an idealist, i am slowly loosing faith in men, maybe im too picky, maybe im just choosing the wrong ones. but then i thought no..i just didnt want to settle for anything less...
This conversation just sums me all up:
"did anyone say settle? settle for anything and you're doomed... my biggest fear in life is being mediocre... you can't be willing to settle for anything, specially for less than we deserve..."
"we watch other people live out their dreams instead of investing on dreams of our own... we should strive for greatness
life is too short. we must make it extraordinary.. never settle for anything less than extraordinary or else life will suck.
life sucks anyway, but it's better to suck with integrity right?"
"there are so many mediocre things in life to deal with... and love shouldn't be one of them.. anything that is less than mad passionate extraordinary love is a waste of your time" -- dream for an insomniac
the head thinks, but the soul knows.
- posted by mojopin
Hi Barb
I liked what you wrote. Deep and thoughtful.
I’m not so sure about some bits in ‘to ponder on’ though
I don’t like the words ‘settling’, they have negative connotations.
I think I’ve settled, I’ve settled for a gentle, loving, caring and understanding kind of love, of being loved and cared for and giving the same in return.
And I’m not so sure about this bit either "there are so many mediocre things in life to deal with... and love shouldn't be one of them.. anything that is less than mad passionate extraordinary love is a waste of your time" -- dream for an insomniac I think that’s a bit unrealisitic.
Love is different things to different people. In that love there has to be a lot of friendship for it to work. It has to be a realistic kind of love, not just mad and passionate. It has to be real.
- posted by anonymous
mr l cohen said, "love is not a victory march".
- posted by mojopin
Well Well Well woman, you have matured... so very happy for you. What have we said all along? This is not a 'hehehe i told you so thing' its more of a, im glad you've come to the dark side thing... no wait... again wrong thing... just a.. so proud of you thing. Yeah that sounds good, we'll leave it at that. Dear sissy, relax, have fun, be intelligent keep your heart and mind open and let nature take its course... just be the cool chcik you are and know that your sister has connections if anyone hurts you *wink wink nudge nudge*
- posted by the other other sister
Look, who gives a fuck? get a life, get a dog up ya for all I care. I will not be beaten, harangued, hassled and forced at slap-point to prove to you what you should already know.
Good luck in your "quest" bitch.
I wuv you. Feel the wuv.
- posted by Andrew [email]
thanks andrew :) im definitely feeling the love.. punk bitch hehehehe where's my hug? after all that abuse? heheheh xoxoxox
- posted by barbara
You are a beautiful person barbra, your need for love is alot like anyone elses, its good that you can speak openly about it,
- posted by Eddie [email]
I think it's best not to seek out and be on a "mission" to find love, just be yourself... be outgoing.. meet new people and when the time is right it'll happen.
It's almost always fate though sometimes you can help by giving fate a nudge...
- posted by David [www] [email]
never cut yourself short...it's good that you are not willing to "settle" for anything less...let them earn your respect and your love...you deserve everything that you can get!
- posted by o/c
Barbarba, Barbara, havn't you grown up. I am so happy for you. You are a beautiful person, I would rather you just enjoyed yourself for now - don't hurry love - true love will come to you. True love will be your best friend your lover your strength, where you can both be as one.
- posted by Vicki
you can never find a perfect man but because of that love you bring out the best in him and as you grow that good thing now should be better if you ever get together.
you can never make someone the way you want it
- posted by anonymous
everything you said hit right in my heart and helped a great deal... THANK YOU
- posted by lynn [email]