YOUR THOUGHTS
06 February 2012: ".. me luv you long time..."
observations for today
- thats what i used to tell him
- for him i knew that he understood it as just nookies...
- for me.. those five last words meant more than just a joke.it was tricky. so many times i wanted to tell him how much he's made me feel so good, special and very happy that i just wanted to let him know how much i felt.
but i feared for the right reasons - i knew and felt yet again that it was too late and the answer was going to be something i didn't want to hear from a special man.
it wasn't a case of unrequitted love. this time its different. until now... i can't describe it.
until now i kept denying it to myself. to him. to everyone.
as selfish as i'd want to be and want him back - i have to say i truly want him to be happy. even if it means with someone else.
oh fuck! - it hurts saying that.
i waited this long to think, know and say all that.
and i feel sad and afraid - cos i think i just totally lost one person who was my first "great one"
- the first one with the proper couple intimacy moment.
- the first one that i would ever consider as my boyfriend (yes i have issues why - and i will NOT justify this thought anymore with anyone...)
- the first man i shared a tiny life with and lost.
- the first man to totally take me out of my comfort zone
- the first man that made me know the difference between making love [ooooooooooofffs] and sex
- the one who had great surprises
- the first man who was not afraid to show his feelings for me ( even in the middle of the frozen food aisle of the supermarket )
- first man i've truly shown any form of affection - the power of his touch and his smile melted me in some way that i still crave for.
- the first man i've ever allowed myself to be taken care of, served, and even for a short time - wanted and felt loved.. even in his own way.
- the man who up until now makes me smile and have butterfly tingles in my stomach when i think of the good moments.it is so hard to justify why. and I KNOW MOST OF YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND WHY.
but when love is involved - it should be enough reason why.
but it just went away. i still don't know what went wrong, but i knew.. that i couldn't look into his eyes anymore knowing what i know and feeling so lonely even if i was next to him.
it was supposed to be easy when it ended.
i was sooooo wrong.
that's when the feeling crept back in when i least expected it.it's perhaps too late now.
but i always believed...if someone meant something.. you take all actions to make that person still be part of you...even as just a friend
i learned the hard way - love has to be unconditional - for both.I do not really understand what is going on, and the motivations that has guided
me for many years now seem outdated.
I question my underlying values and desires.
I feel a loss of direction.
.. all i know right now.. is that he was a big part of me,
a stain in my heart that is deeply embedded...you know who you are... I THANK YOU for making me feel that way....for making me realise who i really am and who i need... and i truly hope that we both find that ultimate person we both need.
i could never say it then but i do want to live a life with no regrets - i did love you.
to ponder on"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well, that's just fabulous." -Carrie (sex and the city)
who will be the man who wins my heart? who will be the story that i tell my children when they are old enough to understand?
i am back in the game folks.. spread the word.. but this time.. i have new standards...i NEED -
- a partner who will love me just as i am - everything that i am, the bitch, the dominant, the sweet, the loving, the caring, the worrier, the organised, the biggest criticiser, the loud, bold, brave and bubbly barbara.
- a partner in life who will have unconditional love for me, respectful, understanding, loving and great passion for work and have a balanced life.
- one with views of a family. one who respects his own family.
- one who can provide for me at some stage - yes i know i've said im an independent chick, but lets get realistic here.. i have grown accustomed to such living and i'd want to continue on or be better off when i'm with someone. i do not want myself or my partner to be a financial burden for each other.
- one who is honest, and can handle sharing his inner most thoughts
- one who can make me laugh in times when im feeling down.
- one who can be there for me.. no matter what the circumstances are.
- one who will choose and love me over anything else.
- one who will never box me in.. as i am a free spirit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------once again i let myself go and fall - i loved it for a moment - but it f@cking hurts no matter who the dumper is.
so in lieu of a break up i decided to do my top five lists ala high fidelity style.
TOP 5 THINGS TO DO AFTER A BREAK UP
1. surround yourself with your strongest female friends and bond,get drunk,perve, and get your girlie inner bitch back, get all the comforting comments from them, get the cuddles, cry your heart out.
2. surround yourself with your most rational, caring male friends, fb's, or your fabulous gay friends... get their opinion and affirm your cuteness.
"barb, you're still sooo cute even if you're crying..."
"you're smart, funny, successful, cute, loving.... obviously.. this man doesnt know what he's missing out on.."
3. if all else fails surround yourself with family love - if you need to travel interstate do so. if you need to hear your mother lecture you.. do so. if you need to cry in front of her.. do so.
4. avoid contact with the other person that would make you sound like a desperate person - further more try not to make any contact. sure, you'll miss him and would like to occasionally say "hello, how are you".
in my case shit happened - i fear that he would think it was a desperate act - shame on him if he does. shit happend. i freaked out. and of all bad luck to happen i had to make contact.
5. let yourself cry - listen to all sappy songs you want. they said it takes half as long as the relationship was to get over someone. i'm on my 8th week... almost there.
which brings us to -
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------TOP 5 SONGS TO LISTEN TO WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE CRYING
1. free love - depeche mode
2. wasn't it good - tina arena
3. foolish games - jewel
4. no ordinary morning - chicane
5. gorecki - lamb
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
enlighten me dear friends...
give me your best top 5 secrets on how to keep a loving relationship last.. come on.. humor me.
Ano ba? Your so darn emotional :P But you know what? Now is that time to savor every moment and feeling you are experiencing. This is all a part of falling in love...admittedly the hurtfull part. But feeling pain and sorrow, is as much as part of living as feeling joy. You know you are living when you are feeling. Cherish this moment and learn from it. Life in this karmic cycle of birth, life and death, is all about learning. We choose what we want to learn and experience before we are even conceived. You chose to be where you are in life now because your true self knew you needed to learn from it. ALso we have to remember to look within and see where we have personally gone wrong, instead of looking to other for blame... not that Im saying you havent done that already. Life, like karma follows the law of action equals reaction.
¨Life is like a box of cadburies... you always know what your gonna get"
On a happier note.... Are you dating anyone yet? Best medicine for a broken heart is to have someone there adoring you. Sex releases all that unhappy endorphins in your body too.
Anyways see yourself as someone who has been truly blessed. You feel in love, and love was reciprocated. Many people in the world go through their whole lives without ever feeling that. Many people in the world would never have the experience of being heartbroken. Anyways, good night for now... sana my words can offer you some kind of console.
- posted by Paulo [email]
Life has been wonderful!!!
Article 09
June 16, 2004
2:48 PM
We may have been hurt a lot of times, stumbled
often and failed on things we wanted. We tend to
blame people and ourselves…whine over it and
linger for a long time. But we tend to forget
that those hardships in life make us stronger and
wiser.
I had my share of pain in life. I think I even
mastered the sobbing and crying every time my
heart gets broken. But what do you know?? I
always get over it...it takes time but I did.
Things happen for a reason and for a betterment
of one being. Since it is unavoidable I guess the
only thing we can do it is look at it in a
positive way. Accepting that life is not fair and
most often than not people get hurt. Cry a river
if you want…drink till you drop and feel sorry
for yourself if you need to. It’s normal…it’s
expected…it’s accepted. But after a while you
need to move on and get over it. You can’t just
live your whole life regretting things that you
did. No matter how hard you cry it won’t change
anything. Stop worrying about the future. No
matter how you prepare for it…it won’t happen
until it is bound to happen. Live your life in
the present and enjoy! For all you know you are
too busy lingering on the past or worrying about
the future and you forget to live your life. It
is ideal to have goals and achieving it. But one
must not forget that what is more important is
the the journey you are taking to get there.
Life is wonderful…I am on paid vacation…sitting
on a comfy chair…eating Chocolate fudge sundae…
watching the rain pouring outside the window. How
can I complain? Life has been good to me…and it
is to you too! It’s your life…your choices and
it’s the life you choose.
- posted by Mayo [email]
A dreamer with a broken heart...
Article 07
January 13, 2004
1:02 AM
To find you and be with you is my dream. How to get to you is still a puzzle to me. Been asking myself again lately..."Which road should I take?". Should I go left where I know where I am heading to but leads to a path without you? Should I go right where I may be with you but unsure when I reach the end if I am still with you? A risk I have to take. That is the thing that everyone else has to take when we allow ourselves to be consumed by this deep feeling we don't even know what causing it. People are created by God to do rational things. But when it comes to love...mind seems to shut down and ignore what's real.
Been in love? Yes I have and proud of it. A few times and each person I am with seems to leave wonderful memories in my life. Though things don't always workout the way we always hope they will. Life has a good reason for letting us go through those hardships. We learn a great deal from each experiences. In spite of all the pain I have been through. I never regret the things I did for love. End may not be rewarding since I am not even half way to my DESTINY. Who knows who I will be with? God planned my life and I do believe in signs. I asked for them and they manifested themselves one by one in His own time. Recently I asked for another sign but I haven't seen it yet. Nervous? I am...tell me about it. Whatever it is... that will definitely turn my life upside down. That will determine where I'll be. I am scared like S@% to see what it is?
Argggg...love...crazy stuff...makes you do bizarre things. But hey...don't be scared...IT'S WORTH ALL THE TROUBLE.
- posted by Mayo [email]
For love, the world goes around
For love, we do silly things
For love, we sacrifice our own happiness
For love, we stood by the cruelest human being..
For love, we accept and understand others
For love, we forget what once mattered
For love, we challenge the norm
and For love, we get ourselves in trouble..
would we love again even after we've been hurt, treated like shit, disrespected, and ignored?! or even worse, when the love is not returned??
Of course!!! Because life is about taking chances, and love is a leap of faith.
And to be loved and in love is the greatest feeling
- posted by nana [email]
Hey BooBs!!! hehehe... you never thought I'd post that nick of yours on your own website hey!..... ANyways.. this is prolly diverging on your whole theme... but doesn't matter I guess.....Well i hope it doesnt N.E> ways....ITs like almost 2:00 in the mornin' and have nothing better to do... so I put on like an episode of Dark Angel and her little words kinda like spike some kinda inspiration in me... its luvely.... :P
"I dont sleep much, but thats ok
It takes up an awful lot of time, and I can always find somethin productive to do.
Sometimes, i think.. Whats wrong with all you people, snoring your lives away?
Night is the best part of the whole day...."
Now isn't that the truth......
Anyways.. boobs.. I wish you that best.... did you take my advice on meeting "Mr. Right" for now? There's nothing wrong with havin like a rebound jig'... all that matters is Ms 'U'and thats the main thing. I really hope the best for you my sweet cuz... just remember.. even though you feel like your down in the dumps right now.... you'll always be my musical.. artistic inspiration.... :) Your like the one I've always looked up to, you have so many talents, and I respect you and envy you all at the same time for that.
Just remember....whe your feelin like your in your darkest hour... you still shine the brightest light for many of those around you... and I say many of those around you because you have such a magnetic personality. You make people laugh with your... well lets say "different" personality... So dont get too down....Your a wonderful person, and I'm sure you will meet someone who shines equally as bright as you...
Anyways Boobs... farewell for now... gotta get back to watching Dark Angel.....
Paulo....
- posted by Paulo [email]
the following are songs from George Michael that I used to listen to when I had a broken heart: "I Can't Make You Love Me", "Kissing a Fool", and "Heaven Help Me"
Grabe ka naman iha. You've been mourning for 8 weeks! Ang tagal non ah. I only give myself 2 weeks tops. 1st week is to cry and hate that person. On the 2nd week, I'm emotionally and physically exhausted and realise that person doesn't deserve me and I deserve better. Finally, by the 3rd week I'm over them - because life is too short to be wasted on people that don't matter.
- posted by yvonne your pinsan
Hey you....
Well, what can I say? You are going to continue to be strong, and beautiful and amazing. You bring so much to so many people, I know you will continue to do so no matter what. You deserve the best love, the best life and the best man. So hold on... he is out there. And as Madonna said- "don't go for second best, baby..."
I love you, and even from halfway across the world I am holding you, laughing with you, drinking good red wine with you and knowing that we are always there for each other... and for that, I will always be grateful.
Take care my beautiful friend... miss you heaps and especially our 3 am chats... xx
- posted by Ayan [email]
HE IS NOT PERFECT!!!!!!
During the time yo were together I've heard about and seen the moments you've shared. There have been alot of times when you come home feeling like SHIT because of his useless mind games, the cruel and uncaring things he said to you, and his total lack of emotion! It seems that ever since you broke up you've put him on a pedestal.
YOU SHOULD REMEMBER HIM AS HE WAS NOT AS YOU WISH HE HAD BEEN!!!
You are my sisster, I live with you, I know who you are. I think that it will be challenging for you to find a loving and lasting relationship. Unless you are willing to make changes. It is necessary to be able to compromise and make sacrifices to be in a succesful relationship. You are a very stubborn Woman. It's either your way or no way.
Also you seem to place too high priority on a potential partners finances. If you found a man with all the qualities you desire except for money, would you reject him?
I say all this to you because I love you and want you to be happy. I am being honest and trying to help you, not just trying to make you feel better.
TOP 5 REQUIREMENTS FOR A LOVING AND LASTING RELATIONSHIP:
1. LOVE
2. HONESTY
3. COMMUNICATION
4. COMPROMISE
5. COMMITMENT
- posted by woody
thanks bro!
i do hear you - but can you hear me too?
you say you know me...have you really looked at me - there are things i wanted to say on who i really am - but you never listen.
no one does.
so it was safer to be this person that everyone wanted me to be.
but in due time i will explain a lot of thigns.
right now, i've found myself - and i owe an apology to everyone, and including that man who i have put on a pedestal.
there's a reason behind it in due time everyone will know.
right now, i feel disappointed that you really think i place high priority on someone's financial matters - i am not as shallow as you think.
love can't sustain you alone, nor money can buy you love.
- posted by barbara
hey there... tried to think of thetop 5 secrets for a loving relationship this is what i came up with... always express your love... words AND actions... suprise her, could be new jewelry or a picnic somewhere nice... talk.. communication is very important... always be honest and truthful... never give them a reason to distrust you and having time alone, away from each other... doing what you each want to do... hanging out with friends, or just away from the rest of the workd...
- posted by rayray [email]