YOUR THOUGHTS
06 February 2012: Love is a game... it drives me insane...
observations for today
after a year of hiatus from this, it's time to write.
please excuse me if i have to mention a few people - but they mattered to me and have made me who i am right now.
WHO THE FUCK AM I?
the last 2 years have made me stronger and really got to know myself well with my soul searching - now that i have made amends with myself and happy with where i am at, i have come to realise what is else is missing.
all i know is that this is exactly what i just want. call me a sappy romantic, but shit, for real, after all the superficial things we all have to deal with in life.. love and life should be like this.
this.. is how it should be.
we're all looking for that. and for those who don't think so.. take a look closer in your heart what scares you so much from taking that little risk? we all get hurt, but i'd rather keep on hurting from trying and loving than miss out on this thing we call love.
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then come back the issue of the one that got away - MR. BIG - my one and only regret in life. he liked me more than i liked myself - i'm so sorry for hurting you and treating you that way, sometimes in my heart i shout out loud for that prayer of one more chance with you, now that i know who i am and what i really want. would our circumstances change? but you're no longer here within my arms reach, so i will never know.
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then came along other men. men that have totally left me further dismayed.
8 months ago, i have decided to go celibate for the right reasons - for love - i have promised myself to only get back into it when the right person comes along.
2 months ago i decided to meet new men.
1 month ago, 3 of them just doesn't quite go up to par for my needs.
1 week ago, someone did.
i never thought someone would have so much impact in just a short time.
he blew me away - let's call him D'MAN - same intensity, quality and substance as BIG, but alas! i am yet to meet one man with no emotional issues.
honest conversations with D'MAN is what i value most from him, just that instant connection where you understand each other's mind or point of view was there - maybe i was in lust with his mind. maybe we fucked to soon.
we broke all the rules we were supposed to have, but maybe in that instant moment, the need for affection and lust won over.
maybe that's all you wanted in the first place - that instant gratification - and that maybe you were just darn too afraid to tell me that that's all you were after.
aren't we supposed to just go with the flow? and that if you meet someone that just totally blows you away you'd want to know them, you'd want to be with them - no excuses of doing the right thing, of not wanting to hurt the other person. maybe you just didn't have the courage to tell me you're not totally in to me.
but come on, there were certain things you just don't share to other people or do unless you feel drawn to them.
you have held me with one arm and pushed me away with the other, and yes we both know that there is a fair chance that someone will get hurt.
someone always gets hurt.
what i don't want to loose is the substance you have offered me. there are not a lot of people like you out there and that's why i said, yes to this friendship. can you handle me accepting that?
part of me, want's to show you my world that's full of love and respect, a world that you have not quite experienced .. but i can't unless you take that risk or as what i have told you, you need to find within yourself what you really want and need D -
part of me want's to nurture you.
part of me want's to hate you but i can't, because it's all about honesty and openness and i respect you for that.
you're up there D'MAN, but you made me cry not because of how i feel, but because i can't help you find what you're looking for.
maybe she's already right in front of you, i just hope you don't miss out on her, just cos she looks different, shes's not conventional and thinks different, or for fucks sake.. she just amazes and scares you.
something was there D, friendship may it be but shit, you have certainly made me have that hope and proven to me that there will always be someone better than MR. BIG.
thank you but i am disheartened.
to ponder onLove is a game... it drives me insane. I feel no shame and won't take no blame.
and guess what.. fuckin fate mocks me.. i hate you fate.. i hate you!
horoscope for today
You've reached an emotional milestone, and now you're ready to move on. Just keep in mind that some people may not be ready to make that move with you. If that's the case, go your own way for now.
"the heart has reason that reason's itself cannot understand..." learn that there is a purpose to why things happen... take it slow... cry, absorb it but most importantly learn from it. You are hurting because you know how to love. Remember this, what you want may not always be what's best for you... in right moment it will be given. Take Care!
- posted by darla [www] [email]
i hear your little heart out crying...but just like everything else in life, we must dust ourselves up after falling no matter how far up the fall was...
i know that there is someone out there for you and he will find you...you just gotta believe and don\'t lose your faith in things
that\'s all for now...
- posted by teddykiller